notleavingquietly | IC Contact Post

[ He leans over and kisses Ephemera, smack on top of the head since that's easiest from their positions sitting beside each other. ]

No you don't. You just need to do the best you can with whatever happens. Drake needs to truly believe that what Felix is doing isn't 'trusting him' and some sort of display of vulnerability.

And I need to try to manage Felix's crazy ass in between.

[ The simplicity of the gesture floors him. Not for the first time, either. It’s gentle, almost casual for how quickly it happens.

Ephemera takes a steadying breath. He lets it go. Sable, warm and solid, noses his elbow.

He pets her. Of course he does. ]

Think one day it’ll settle? All this crazy?

[ Crais loves a lot of people. He doesn't love any of them quite the way he loves Ephemera. It's a quiet, intense, thing with a lot of pride and a lot of admiration mixed in. Similar to how he feels about Cyram, but somehow entirely different.]

I think that you're building a very stable life here, and at some point both you and the life that you're building will be too solid for anything - Duplicity or Felix - to rock very hard.

[ That sits between them for a long moment. Ephemera tips his head back and breathes, Sable warm in the crook of his arm. He hasn’t had that sort of stability since he was a teenager. Had no space for it, no time. There was always the war. And after, his mission. And now -

He exhales. ]

I promised you pancakes. You want them?

[ Crais looks at Ephemera like Ephemera might have lost his mind. ]

I always want food.

[ Ephemera huffs at that, tipping his head to the side. ]

Good. Take Sable, she's tuckered out.

[ The puppy grunts, lifting her head for a big, toothy yawn. ]

[ Never had this man a baby because he stares at the puppy like she might explode. ]

Take her... where?

Just hold her.

[ He hefts the puppy, showing Crais how to do it. Sable grunts, through she doesn't try to wiggle away. ]

Make sure she's supported, see? It's not that different from holding a cat.

[ You are going to be in a world of hurt if he decides to put that puppy down like a cat, Ephemera. He takes the puppy and holds her, though he also stands up once he has. Fortunately he's supporting her so she's willing to go to sleep. ]

What made you decide to learn to cook?

I like it when Drake does it for me.

[ He pushes himself upright with a faint wince, joints aching, and heads into the kitchen. ]

My brother, he was a great cook. And he said it calmed him down, so he always did it. Never had to learn when he was there.

[ Ephemera smiles a little. ]

I can make cookies, too.

[ Crais isn't sure what is up with him, but something about that scene with Washington has made him more physical than usual. Or, rather, less restrained in being physical. Only really noticeable with Ephemera and at the moment he misses the contact, immediately.

He has the puppy though and that's good enough. ]

Have you mentioned your brother before?

[ The kitchen is clean, well stocked. He starts pulling out a mixing bowl and ingredients, cracking eggs. ]

You can put her in your lap if you want to sit down. Or just hold her. She's tired, she'll sleep.

[ Sometimes he tucks her into his jacket and carries her around like that. ]

Think so. Barrows. Eli Barrows. He was -

[ Ephemera huffs a little. ]

He never wanted to be a soldier. Got drafted. But he was good to me. He was kind, you know?

Oh. That sort of brother.

[ He stays standing, but he's also going to keep holding her. Lean against a wall or counter out of the way. ]

Sometimes I forget you liked the people you served with.

Mhmm.

[ He had no one until he had them. Ephemera cracks another egg, then gets the milk and vanilla. Starts mixing. ]

I didn't have anyone until I had them.

I started with my brother. And lost my mind when I lost him. I have to wonder if that would have been the result if I hadn't been serving with a bunch of Felixes, otherwise.

I'd like to claim I wouldn't have, but I'm still not sure.

[ He's just holding the puppy and... watching Ephemera. ]

I don't know.

[ Softly. He glances at Crais briefly, rubbing at his eyepatch with the back of his hand. ]

I don't think we can know that, not really. We're just here now. I can't cook as good as Barrows - probably never will. But I think, maybe, maybe he would've liked teaching me if we had a chance. So that helps now, in the aftermath.

I did not know him at all, but I'm sure he would have. Teaching you anything is rewarding.

[ And enjoyable. Yeah, yeah, he's biased but it's also objectively true. The amount of effort Ephemera puts in is... it's admirable.]

[ The batter's mixed. He shifts to get turn on the griddle, let it heat up. Ephemera huffs a little. ]

I'm a fast learner. I've been told.

[ More than once. ]

With some things, anyway. I try to pay attention.

[ He watches Ephemera, arms crossed - but casually not defensively- from where he leans. ]

I am willing to believe you're more intelligent than most, though I have no real point of comparison for humans.

What does impress me is mostly that you try and don't say idiotic things that imply who you are now is some immutable fact.

Not bad for a high school drop out, huh?

[ Ephemera flicks water onto the griddle to test the heat, the way that Drake taught him. Not quite ready yet. ]

I used to think I was, [ he admits, a little softer. ] That there was no going back. Too much crazy, you know? And I know there’s no going back to who I was. But I can - it’s a choice, here. I chose to - stop.

[ He waves his hand vaguely, not sure if that makes sense. ]

Or something like that, anyway.

...I have no idea what high school is.

[ Just floating that out there. He does know enough context to figure out enough, though. So it's not confusion so much as a reminder.

He smiles, faintly. ]

I know. I was there when you were trying to strangle me to death. I almost miss it sometimes.

General education level. Most people have it. Gives you a baseline. I dropped out the day I turned eighteen so I could enlist.

[ His guardian wouldn’t sign him over early, but she let him go on his birthday. She gave him a hard look when he left, then - surprising both of them - reached out and ruffled his hair. It was maybe the only affectionate gesture she ever made him. Ephemera doesn’t know what happened to her afterward. He never wrote to her.

He rests the griddle again, finds it hot enough, and pours some batter down. ]

You miss that? Why?

I remember you saying you enlisted early. I almost even understand why.

[ As good as it's getting for him. His response to anyone joining the Peacekeepers was so strong.... He knows this was different, and accepts it, but a gut level aversion to it being a choice is hard. Even when he also knows the choice wasn't one in any real sense of the word.

The rest makes him make a soft noise in his throat, watching the griddle and trying to find words. ]

I think I miss the violence directed at me, sometimes. I'm... more restless than I've been since I got here. I don't like that.

[ Ephemera stills, peering at Crais. Still watching the pancakes, but focused on Crais. ]

There’s clarity in that, [ he says after a moment, softly. ] It’s pure, in a way. It makes sense when nothing else does. And I think it gets hardwired, after a while.

[ And Crais started a lot younger than Ephemera ever did. ]

I’d offer to spar, but I think -

[ He winces. ]

I swing too quick to the real. I’m working on it.

I am absolutely not sparring with you.

[ Probably ever. For one thing he's just - He is what he is and where he is, but he is not putting Ephemera at risk. Emotionally. His current 'itchiness' aside, he's just not. Also: ]

I don't think it gets hardwired for me. For you, yes. I've met too many humans to believe it's humanity's fundamental nature. I'm not human.

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