[ Ephemera flicks water onto the griddle to test the heat, the way that Drake taught him. Not quite ready yet. ]
I used to think I was, [ he admits, a little softer. ] That there was no going back. Too much crazy, you know? And I know there’s no going back to who I was. But I can - it’s a choice, here. I chose to - stop.
[ He waves his hand vaguely, not sure if that makes sense. ]
General education level. Most people have it. Gives you a baseline. I dropped out the day I turned eighteen so I could enlist.
[ His guardian wouldn’t sign him over early, but she let him go on his birthday. She gave him a hard look when he left, then - surprising both of them - reached out and ruffled his hair. It was maybe the only affectionate gesture she ever made him. Ephemera doesn’t know what happened to her afterward. He never wrote to her.
He rests the griddle again, finds it hot enough, and pours some batter down. ]
I remember you saying you enlisted early. I almost even understand why.
[ As good as it's getting for him. His response to anyone joining the Peacekeepers was so strong.... He knows this was different, and accepts it, but a gut level aversion to it being a choice is hard. Even when he also knows the choice wasn't one in any real sense of the word.
The rest makes him make a soft noise in his throat, watching the griddle and trying to find words. ]
I think I miss the violence directed at me, sometimes. I'm... more restless than I've been since I got here. I don't like that.
[ Ephemera stills, peering at Crais. Still watching the pancakes, but focused on Crais. ]
There’s clarity in that, [ he says after a moment, softly. ] It’s pure, in a way. It makes sense when nothing else does. And I think it gets hardwired, after a while.
[ And Crais started a lot younger than Ephemera ever did. ]
[ Probably ever. For one thing he's just - He is what he is and where he is, but he is not putting Ephemera at risk. Emotionally. His current 'itchiness' aside, he's just not. Also: ]
I don't think it gets hardwired for me. For you, yes. I've met too many humans to believe it's humanity's fundamental nature. I'm not human.
[ Probably for the best. It helps, Ephemera thinks, that he has to focus on the pancakes and not just the conversation. It means he has to focus, to stop before he gets lost in his own thoughts.
The batter isn’t bubbling quite yet. Another few seconds.
[ He smiles, faintly and... sort of tensely in a way that mostly seems sad.]
Hardwired from the start.
Even on the pacifist colony I started life on, there was a lot of violence. It was just.. indirect and passive. Destroyed crops and poisoning rather than shooting.
[ Ephemera considers that silently, listening to the batter cook. He gives it another few seconds, then flips the first pancake. ]
I’d see that a lot with the Insurrection. With their kids. We all grew up in the war, but it was -
Different, for them. They’d been doing it for generations.
[ He shakes his head. ]
There were bombings when I was a kid. And drills, once they knew what the Covenant could do. Telling us to go to shelters like that was going to make a difference. But we never starved on Eremus. People never killed each other over water.
I'm sorry; I do pay attention but I have a hard time keeping the mechnics of your war straight with names. Who were the insurrection, again?[ He has more to say but first: Please help. ]
[ Ephemera hesitates. His memory isn’t the best, and sometimes he thinks he forgets to explain things. Or explains them twice, forgetting he’s already laid things out. And this part is -
Complicated. ]
It’s a long story. Really long. But, the UNSC was the main power for a long time. I signed with them because - because they were there, and they had the best chance of fighting the Covenant. But they’d been fighting the Insurrection for even longer. They were - human. Just people who didn’t want to fight for power they’d never touch themselves. UNSC tried to wipe ‘em out every couple years but they never managed it.
[ He’s quiet for a moment. Flipping pancakes. ]
I helped hunt them down. And then my team joined them, after we mutinied.
[ He tugs his collar down, baring the blunt lines of his tattoo. Redemption like a brand. ]
[ He listens to that and he does remember. He just has a hardtime keeping the names of these groups separate - not enough context, for any of it except the Covenant. He nods slightly to show his understanding, and stays leaned back. ]
I wish I knew more of our history - or that anyone did - but it's so old and goes back so far that most of it's tangled in myth. I can make some assumptions that are safe, based on what is known and what's... forbidden.
I think the safest is that we were always... designed to be militia, but that the initial purpose did have to do with Peace of a meaningful sort. Then our ...designers, more than creators, disappeared and left to our own devices we became something that amounted to a... powerful weapon wielded by the highest bidder.
I do think that functionally generations of natural selection amongst a people under continous attack would result in much the same result.
[ Ephemera sits with that for a long moment, just thinking. Keeping watch on the pancakes, until it’s time to start flipping them.
He stacks them on a plate, then pours more batter. ]
Hunter told me once that some trauma just - carries through the generations. It gets written into the DNA. And then people carry that, even if they never lived through it themselves.
[ And that was just people surviving. Not designed to be soldiers. ]
Is it easier here? I couldn’t stand it at first, waiting for an attack. I was so sure it was coming. Just a matter of when.
[ He hefts the plate. ]
You want in on these now, or you want to wait until I’ve made all of them?
[ Crais makes a low noise, of agreement and possibly sympathy. He doesn't say anything though. He doesn't often struggle for words but this is....
There's no... cultural context for anything he wants to say. That context only exists in a place he's already dead. It's not the first time he's run into that wall, it's just usually humorous, and centered around language usage. ]
It doesn't matter. Being here's been good for us both, and I never want to wait to eat, but this time I'll hold off so I can eat with you, I think.
[ Ephemera smiles faintly. Despite the conversation, he feels - better? Maybe. For having it. Or maybe because he and Crais can have it in the first place. ]
Okay. Won’t take me long. We’ve got jam and syrup in the fridge, too. Butter, too. Whatever you want.
[ He flips a couple more pancakes. He’s gotten better about sizing things for two people. He and Drake cool together a lot. Sure, Drake’s better at it, but Ephemera’s starting to like the satisfaction that comes from laying a plate out and knowing he did that. That he made it happen instead of ordering takeout or whipping out an MRE.
And when they’re done, he puts half the pancakes on one plate and half on another, and brings them over. They don’t take long to cook. ]
[ He takes the time Ephemera is cooking to fill two glasses with water, find forks - and knives for the jam and butter - and get them onto the table, too. He gets his own set up with a little butter and a lot of jam, and takes a bite before he says a word.
Then what he does say is unusually... sober, if direct as is typical.]
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notleavingquietly) wrote2037-07-18 11:23 pm
no subject
[ Ephemera flicks water onto the griddle to test the heat, the way that Drake taught him. Not quite ready yet. ]
I used to think I was, [ he admits, a little softer. ] That there was no going back. Too much crazy, you know? And I know there’s no going back to who I was. But I can - it’s a choice, here. I chose to - stop.
[ He waves his hand vaguely, not sure if that makes sense. ]
Or something like that, anyway.
no subject
[ Just floating that out there. He does know enough context to figure out enough, though. So it's not confusion so much as a reminder.
He smiles, faintly. ]
I know. I was there when you were trying to strangle me to death. I almost miss it sometimes.
no subject
[ His guardian wouldn’t sign him over early, but she let him go on his birthday. She gave him a hard look when he left, then - surprising both of them - reached out and ruffled his hair. It was maybe the only affectionate gesture she ever made him. Ephemera doesn’t know what happened to her afterward. He never wrote to her.
He rests the griddle again, finds it hot enough, and pours some batter down. ]
You miss that? Why?
no subject
[ As good as it's getting for him. His response to anyone joining the Peacekeepers was so strong.... He knows this was different, and accepts it, but a gut level aversion to it being a choice is hard. Even when he also knows the choice wasn't one in any real sense of the word.
The rest makes him make a soft noise in his throat, watching the griddle and trying to find words. ]
I think I miss the violence directed at me, sometimes. I'm... more restless than I've been since I got here. I don't like that.
no subject
There’s clarity in that, [ he says after a moment, softly. ] It’s pure, in a way. It makes sense when nothing else does. And I think it gets hardwired, after a while.
[ And Crais started a lot younger than Ephemera ever did. ]
I’d offer to spar, but I think -
[ He winces. ]
I swing too quick to the real. I’m working on it.
no subject
[ Probably ever. For one thing he's just - He is what he is and where he is, but he is not putting Ephemera at risk. Emotionally. His current 'itchiness' aside, he's just not. Also: ]
I don't think it gets hardwired for me. For you, yes. I've met too many humans to believe it's humanity's fundamental nature. I'm not human.
no subject
The batter isn’t bubbling quite yet. Another few seconds.
Ephemera tips his head to the side. ]
Then what is it, for you?
no subject
Hardwired from the start.
Even on the pacifist colony I started life on, there was a lot of violence. It was just.. indirect and passive. Destroyed crops and poisoning rather than shooting.
no subject
I’d see that a lot with the Insurrection. With their kids. We all grew up in the war, but it was -
Different, for them. They’d been doing it for generations.
[ He shakes his head. ]
There were bombings when I was a kid. And drills, once they knew what the Covenant could do. Telling us to go to shelters like that was going to make a difference. But we never starved on Eremus. People never killed each other over water.
[ No. That came later, when he was a soldier. ]
no subject
no subject
Complicated. ]
It’s a long story. Really long. But, the UNSC was the main power for a long time. I signed with them because - because they were there, and they had the best chance of fighting the Covenant. But they’d been fighting the Insurrection for even longer. They were - human. Just people who didn’t want to fight for power they’d never touch themselves. UNSC tried to wipe ‘em out every couple years but they never managed it.
[ He’s quiet for a moment. Flipping pancakes. ]
I helped hunt them down. And then my team joined them, after we mutinied.
[ He tugs his collar down, baring the blunt lines of his tattoo. Redemption like a brand. ]
no subject
I wish I knew more of our history - or that anyone did - but it's so old and goes back so far that most of it's tangled in myth. I can make some assumptions that are safe, based on what is known and what's... forbidden.
I think the safest is that we were always... designed to be militia, but that the initial purpose did have to do with Peace of a meaningful sort. Then our ...designers, more than creators, disappeared and left to our own devices we became something that amounted to a... powerful weapon wielded by the highest bidder.
I do think that functionally generations of natural selection amongst a people under continous attack would result in much the same result.
no subject
He stacks them on a plate, then pours more batter. ]
Hunter told me once that some trauma just - carries through the generations. It gets written into the DNA. And then people carry that, even if they never lived through it themselves.
[ And that was just people surviving. Not designed to be soldiers. ]
Is it easier here? I couldn’t stand it at first, waiting for an attack. I was so sure it was coming. Just a matter of when.
[ He hefts the plate. ]
You want in on these now, or you want to wait until I’ve made all of them?
no subject
There's no... cultural context for anything he wants to say. That context only exists in a place he's already dead. It's not the first time he's run into that wall, it's just usually humorous, and centered around language usage. ]
It doesn't matter. Being here's been good for us both, and I never want to wait to eat, but this time I'll hold off so I can eat with you, I think.
no subject
Okay. Won’t take me long. We’ve got jam and syrup in the fridge, too. Butter, too. Whatever you want.
no subject
Do you want to drink something besides water?
no subject
[ He flips a couple more pancakes. He’s gotten better about sizing things for two people. He and Drake cool together a lot. Sure, Drake’s better at it, but Ephemera’s starting to like the satisfaction that comes from laying a plate out and knowing he did that. That he made it happen instead of ordering takeout or whipping out an MRE.
And when they’re done, he puts half the pancakes on one plate and half on another, and brings them over. They don’t take long to cook. ]
Here.
no subject
Then what he does say is unusually... sober, if direct as is typical.]
I'm proud of you - and Drake.
no subject
It’s calm. He missed this, he thinks. Being able to have a calm meal with someone, and not worry the whole time about being attacked.
He blinks, peering at Crais. ]
I never thought I’d have this. Never thought I’d want it. But I do, with him.
no subject
And I'm equally, selfishly, glad I found it with Cyram. Here's to both of us continuing to not entirely burn it to the ground.
[ Crais is less at peace than kind of subdued but it's not a terrible thing. ]
no subject
Still. ]
You gonna be okay, Crais?
[ Ephemera watches him carefully. Worrying, still. ]
no subject
...I think I might actually be a little lonely. It'll pass. Especially in good company.
no subject
[ He says it simply, digging into his food. ]
Even if you just wanna sit with me while I paint.