[ You are going to be in a world of hurt if he decides to put that puppy down like a cat, Ephemera. He takes the puppy and holds her, though he also stands up once he has. Fortunately he's supporting her so she's willing to go to sleep. ]
[ Crais isn't sure what is up with him, but something about that scene with Washington has made him more physical than usual. Or, rather, less restrained in being physical. Only really noticeable with Ephemera and at the moment he misses the contact, immediately.
I started with my brother. And lost my mind when I lost him. I have to wonder if that would have been the result if I hadn't been serving with a bunch of Felixes, otherwise.
I'd like to claim I wouldn't have, but I'm still not sure.
[ He's just holding the puppy and... watching Ephemera. ]
[ Softly. He glances at Crais briefly, rubbing at his eyepatch with the back of his hand. ]
I don't think we can know that, not really. We're just here now. I can't cook as good as Barrows - probably never will. But I think, maybe, maybe he would've liked teaching me if we had a chance. So that helps now, in the aftermath.
[ Ephemera flicks water onto the griddle to test the heat, the way that Drake taught him. Not quite ready yet. ]
I used to think I was, [ he admits, a little softer. ] That there was no going back. Too much crazy, you know? And I know there’s no going back to who I was. But I can - it’s a choice, here. I chose to - stop.
[ He waves his hand vaguely, not sure if that makes sense. ]
General education level. Most people have it. Gives you a baseline. I dropped out the day I turned eighteen so I could enlist.
[ His guardian wouldn’t sign him over early, but she let him go on his birthday. She gave him a hard look when he left, then - surprising both of them - reached out and ruffled his hair. It was maybe the only affectionate gesture she ever made him. Ephemera doesn’t know what happened to her afterward. He never wrote to her.
He rests the griddle again, finds it hot enough, and pours some batter down. ]
I remember you saying you enlisted early. I almost even understand why.
[ As good as it's getting for him. His response to anyone joining the Peacekeepers was so strong.... He knows this was different, and accepts it, but a gut level aversion to it being a choice is hard. Even when he also knows the choice wasn't one in any real sense of the word.
The rest makes him make a soft noise in his throat, watching the griddle and trying to find words. ]
I think I miss the violence directed at me, sometimes. I'm... more restless than I've been since I got here. I don't like that.
[ Ephemera stills, peering at Crais. Still watching the pancakes, but focused on Crais. ]
There’s clarity in that, [ he says after a moment, softly. ] It’s pure, in a way. It makes sense when nothing else does. And I think it gets hardwired, after a while.
[ And Crais started a lot younger than Ephemera ever did. ]
[ Probably ever. For one thing he's just - He is what he is and where he is, but he is not putting Ephemera at risk. Emotionally. His current 'itchiness' aside, he's just not. Also: ]
I don't think it gets hardwired for me. For you, yes. I've met too many humans to believe it's humanity's fundamental nature. I'm not human.
[ Probably for the best. It helps, Ephemera thinks, that he has to focus on the pancakes and not just the conversation. It means he has to focus, to stop before he gets lost in his own thoughts.
The batter isn’t bubbling quite yet. Another few seconds.
[ He smiles, faintly and... sort of tensely in a way that mostly seems sad.]
Hardwired from the start.
Even on the pacifist colony I started life on, there was a lot of violence. It was just.. indirect and passive. Destroyed crops and poisoning rather than shooting.
[ Ephemera considers that silently, listening to the batter cook. He gives it another few seconds, then flips the first pancake. ]
I’d see that a lot with the Insurrection. With their kids. We all grew up in the war, but it was -
Different, for them. They’d been doing it for generations.
[ He shakes his head. ]
There were bombings when I was a kid. And drills, once they knew what the Covenant could do. Telling us to go to shelters like that was going to make a difference. But we never starved on Eremus. People never killed each other over water.
I'm sorry; I do pay attention but I have a hard time keeping the mechnics of your war straight with names. Who were the insurrection, again?[ He has more to say but first: Please help. ]
[ Ephemera hesitates. His memory isn’t the best, and sometimes he thinks he forgets to explain things. Or explains them twice, forgetting he’s already laid things out. And this part is -
Complicated. ]
It’s a long story. Really long. But, the UNSC was the main power for a long time. I signed with them because - because they were there, and they had the best chance of fighting the Covenant. But they’d been fighting the Insurrection for even longer. They were - human. Just people who didn’t want to fight for power they’d never touch themselves. UNSC tried to wipe ‘em out every couple years but they never managed it.
[ He’s quiet for a moment. Flipping pancakes. ]
I helped hunt them down. And then my team joined them, after we mutinied.
[ He tugs his collar down, baring the blunt lines of his tattoo. Redemption like a brand. ]
[ He listens to that and he does remember. He just has a hardtime keeping the names of these groups separate - not enough context, for any of it except the Covenant. He nods slightly to show his understanding, and stays leaned back. ]
I wish I knew more of our history - or that anyone did - but it's so old and goes back so far that most of it's tangled in myth. I can make some assumptions that are safe, based on what is known and what's... forbidden.
I think the safest is that we were always... designed to be militia, but that the initial purpose did have to do with Peace of a meaningful sort. Then our ...designers, more than creators, disappeared and left to our own devices we became something that amounted to a... powerful weapon wielded by the highest bidder.
I do think that functionally generations of natural selection amongst a people under continous attack would result in much the same result.
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notleavingquietly) wrote2037-07-18 11:23 pm
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Take her... where?
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[ He hefts the puppy, showing Crais how to do it. Sable grunts, through she doesn't try to wiggle away. ]
Make sure she's supported, see? It's not that different from holding a cat.
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What made you decide to learn to cook?
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[ He pushes himself upright with a faint wince, joints aching, and heads into the kitchen. ]
My brother, he was a great cook. And he said it calmed him down, so he always did it. Never had to learn when he was there.
[ Ephemera smiles a little. ]
I can make cookies, too.
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He has the puppy though and that's good enough. ]
Have you mentioned your brother before?
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You can put her in your lap if you want to sit down. Or just hold her. She's tired, she'll sleep.
[ Sometimes he tucks her into his jacket and carries her around like that. ]
Think so. Barrows. Eli Barrows. He was -
[ Ephemera huffs a little. ]
He never wanted to be a soldier. Got drafted. But he was good to me. He was kind, you know?
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[ He stays standing, but he's also going to keep holding her. Lean against a wall or counter out of the way. ]
Sometimes I forget you liked the people you served with.
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[ He had no one until he had them. Ephemera cracks another egg, then gets the milk and vanilla. Starts mixing. ]
I didn't have anyone until I had them.
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I'd like to claim I wouldn't have, but I'm still not sure.
[ He's just holding the puppy and... watching Ephemera. ]
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[ Softly. He glances at Crais briefly, rubbing at his eyepatch with the back of his hand. ]
I don't think we can know that, not really. We're just here now. I can't cook as good as Barrows - probably never will. But I think, maybe, maybe he would've liked teaching me if we had a chance. So that helps now, in the aftermath.
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[ And enjoyable. Yeah, yeah, he's biased but it's also objectively true. The amount of effort Ephemera puts in is... it's admirable.]
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I'm a fast learner. I've been told.
[ More than once. ]
With some things, anyway. I try to pay attention.
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I am willing to believe you're more intelligent than most, though I have no real point of comparison for humans.
What does impress me is mostly that you try and don't say idiotic things that imply who you are now is some immutable fact.
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[ Ephemera flicks water onto the griddle to test the heat, the way that Drake taught him. Not quite ready yet. ]
I used to think I was, [ he admits, a little softer. ] That there was no going back. Too much crazy, you know? And I know there’s no going back to who I was. But I can - it’s a choice, here. I chose to - stop.
[ He waves his hand vaguely, not sure if that makes sense. ]
Or something like that, anyway.
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[ Just floating that out there. He does know enough context to figure out enough, though. So it's not confusion so much as a reminder.
He smiles, faintly. ]
I know. I was there when you were trying to strangle me to death. I almost miss it sometimes.
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[ His guardian wouldn’t sign him over early, but she let him go on his birthday. She gave him a hard look when he left, then - surprising both of them - reached out and ruffled his hair. It was maybe the only affectionate gesture she ever made him. Ephemera doesn’t know what happened to her afterward. He never wrote to her.
He rests the griddle again, finds it hot enough, and pours some batter down. ]
You miss that? Why?
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[ As good as it's getting for him. His response to anyone joining the Peacekeepers was so strong.... He knows this was different, and accepts it, but a gut level aversion to it being a choice is hard. Even when he also knows the choice wasn't one in any real sense of the word.
The rest makes him make a soft noise in his throat, watching the griddle and trying to find words. ]
I think I miss the violence directed at me, sometimes. I'm... more restless than I've been since I got here. I don't like that.
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There’s clarity in that, [ he says after a moment, softly. ] It’s pure, in a way. It makes sense when nothing else does. And I think it gets hardwired, after a while.
[ And Crais started a lot younger than Ephemera ever did. ]
I’d offer to spar, but I think -
[ He winces. ]
I swing too quick to the real. I’m working on it.
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[ Probably ever. For one thing he's just - He is what he is and where he is, but he is not putting Ephemera at risk. Emotionally. His current 'itchiness' aside, he's just not. Also: ]
I don't think it gets hardwired for me. For you, yes. I've met too many humans to believe it's humanity's fundamental nature. I'm not human.
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The batter isn’t bubbling quite yet. Another few seconds.
Ephemera tips his head to the side. ]
Then what is it, for you?
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Hardwired from the start.
Even on the pacifist colony I started life on, there was a lot of violence. It was just.. indirect and passive. Destroyed crops and poisoning rather than shooting.
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I’d see that a lot with the Insurrection. With their kids. We all grew up in the war, but it was -
Different, for them. They’d been doing it for generations.
[ He shakes his head. ]
There were bombings when I was a kid. And drills, once they knew what the Covenant could do. Telling us to go to shelters like that was going to make a difference. But we never starved on Eremus. People never killed each other over water.
[ No. That came later, when he was a soldier. ]
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Complicated. ]
It’s a long story. Really long. But, the UNSC was the main power for a long time. I signed with them because - because they were there, and they had the best chance of fighting the Covenant. But they’d been fighting the Insurrection for even longer. They were - human. Just people who didn’t want to fight for power they’d never touch themselves. UNSC tried to wipe ‘em out every couple years but they never managed it.
[ He’s quiet for a moment. Flipping pancakes. ]
I helped hunt them down. And then my team joined them, after we mutinied.
[ He tugs his collar down, baring the blunt lines of his tattoo. Redemption like a brand. ]
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I wish I knew more of our history - or that anyone did - but it's so old and goes back so far that most of it's tangled in myth. I can make some assumptions that are safe, based on what is known and what's... forbidden.
I think the safest is that we were always... designed to be militia, but that the initial purpose did have to do with Peace of a meaningful sort. Then our ...designers, more than creators, disappeared and left to our own devices we became something that amounted to a... powerful weapon wielded by the highest bidder.
I do think that functionally generations of natural selection amongst a people under continous attack would result in much the same result.
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